Why does she look so familiar? I wondered to myself as I looked up the building, towards the girl who was standing at the edge, on the ledge. There was this unspeakable bond between that girl and I - she felt like a part of me. All around me sirens were blaring and people were whispering, but strangely, no one was doing anything. The wind was especially cold and chilly tonight, was it colder up there? Without any apparent reason, I called out my name.
I looked down at the crowd that was increasing in number at the bottom of the building. Up here, the wind was cold and calm. The night sky was clear, save a few glittery stars and the young crescent moon. And I heard it. I heard that voice calling out to me, but I don't hear it. I don't let myself hear it. It's been a long and tiring journey. A silent and painful tear coursed down my cheek... and it fell.
A silent tear hit the cold and hard pavement. It sounded like shattering glass, crashing cymbals, and fighting ants all at the same time - just like the sound of a breaking heart. The crowd was getting bigger but still, there was no movement. They were all just watching the girl up there as if she were performing for them... the act of taking her life away.
It was as if the city was watching me cry, counting my teardrops... Each one a promise of everything I never found. From the day I was born, I knew there was no one I could trust...and I learnt that even I was an enemy. Looking up at the crescent moon, I felt shards of my heart shatter into smaller pieces. The memories of that day resurfaced, the day I realised I was a threat to myself...
-
It was a chilly winter afternoon and I was alone at home. I laid on my bed under the duvet covers, staring at the ceiling. As if Death had visited me in my dream, my will to live suddenly disappeared. There seemed to be no reason for me to be awake, for my eyes to open. Outside the snow was falling lightly, giving the face of the world a new makeover. Somehow I was numb to the excitement of falling snow, just like it was any normal boring day. No matter how much I tried, I never found the light at the end of the tunnel... How much I wish to start all over again... I never meant to let you down...
-
I knew I had to stop that girl, and I was the only one who could do it. All these plastic people were empty and shallow, they simply couldn't care less about that life up there. I ran.
Peeping over the edge of the building and between my converses, another tear fell. Just how many empty promises had come and gone in my life? It was a simple movement... Another step and... Free fall, to where Death was calling me to.
The stairs never seemed to end. Every step I took gushed a flood of familiarity, a wave of the cold past, a breeze of death itself. A sick acidity filled my lungs, threatening to choke me any second... then I reached the end.
The city lights were glittering in perfect symphony with the stars which studded the night sky in beauty. So this was how it felt like to have your life flash before your eyes...
Bursting through the door of the roof access, I gasped for breath. Without wasting a second after, I weaved through the huge silver ventilation tunnels and I found her. That same dark maroon long sleeve top with the exact bell bottomed jeans that I wore a few days ago... and the same pair of worn out converses I was wearing at the moment. Slowly I walked towards her, careful of my every action. When I was an arm's length away from her, she turned.
I wasn't surprised to see her. I knew I would try my best to save me without knowing it. But it was the end.
She looked very tired and weary so I offered her my hand, unsure of how long I could stay on like this. My kindness would kill me someday... Just how strong was I? But for now, it didn't matter. "Give me a chance, just take my hand," I cried out. She took a second glance at me.
I turned and looked at her. Studying her with my eyes, I snorted. "I'm going to forget." I said.
A flurry of memories ran through my mind and I saw. "Don't be deceived by the lights, they will not guide you through. It's not the light to the end of tunnel," I whispered through tears. "Please don't jump..."
I was confused. Since when was my mind so clear? I studied myself again, refusing to believe it.
Then I saw it. The reason why I felt that this girl was so familiar. She was me. I was her. If she died, half of me would die too. I grabbed her hand and pleaded her not to jump.
Another tear slid down my cheeks, a silent laughter escaping. This was all a joke. All. A. Joke.
"If all that can't hold you back... I'll jump for you."
I turned to face myself again, with a slow and painful smile. But I wasn't there anymore. So it was all just a fragment of the memory I'd decided to forget. But I wasn't going to let myself down on the second attempt. Then I realised I was too afraid to jump. Turning away from the world, I took a step back... It was a free fall, allowing the arms of death to catch me.
-
I may be strong and brave, but please know that I am fragile too.
(c)2009,dinah/tokio hotel
[EDIT] I changed the ending. This is the previous one:
My head snapped back and I glanced at myself, who had already pulled me back to safety. Our positions had changed and with a heartwrenching smile etched across my face... And I fell. I wasn't able to catch a hold onto myself.
-
That night the world only saw a girl hop off the ledge to safety suddenly. The crowd slowly dispersed and rolled their eyes, not surprised at the teen who tried to get attention. But nobody knew that a part of me had died that night, that part that wanted to live died for the part that wanted to die.